Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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