You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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