Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
