Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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