Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I supernannyed him into submission
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
