Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
