Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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