i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
