my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
