I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
