You just made me feel so damn special
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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