Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
