Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
