last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
