Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize