i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
