jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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