I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
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Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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