Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
