My liver just broke up with me...
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
