for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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