his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
