Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
