life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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