So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
