Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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