Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
