i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
