i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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