someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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