He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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