Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
