I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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