Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
