remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
