Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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