A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
