I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
