I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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