my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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