How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
