The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
