my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
