I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
A+ Viking dick
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
