did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
