she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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