The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
