I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
