Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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