i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
