Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If I die, sorry about rent.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
