I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Randomize
