Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
