where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
