youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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