i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
