umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
