Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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